The Whiter...the Better.

Chris Driscoll's "The Tricks of How to get Black Girls to Love You"

Mr. Driscoll has long been known as a lady killer, but it was his ability to get the Afro-American females on his side which made him a legend. Many students studied Mr. Driscoll's techniques and became BMOC's. First lesson in this class: never use the term "BMOC" or the likes thereof; only dorks would say that...it was a trick and I hope you caught it. Here are some more of the basics.

1. Never act URBAN: you will only be laughed at and no one likes a phony.
2. Find a fashion niche and exploit it; Chris was known for plaid golf pants, progeny of Chris were known to buy crazy tight shirts from Savers or wear bowling shoes with taps on them.
3. Sing them songs by groups such as Jodeci, H-Town (not O-Town), or any song with sufficient sexual innuendo which would make them say "X person, you so carazy!"
4. Always dance as white as possible. Even if you have rhythm and know how to dance do not dance!!! Once you set the bar really high there is the possibility you might not meet it. You will be ushered away as fast as possible.
5. Use horrible pick up lines that will again make them say, "X person, you so carazy!"
6. Use their huge football playing boyfriends as props for jokes, no matter how big they are or how easily they could crush you. E.g., "Hey Devin Simon, you play football right?" "Yes." "What is your number?" "56." "No, I mean your phone number." He might give you a look like he is going to kill you, but he is laughing inside while his girlfriend laughs aloud.
7. Do something well that the African-Americans are known, stereotypically, to do well. i.e., Basketball, singing, playing the drums. They will love you for it.
8. Play open and public pranks on other students. For example, while ditching class, get the biggest brown paper sack you can find, and fill it full of something to make it appear full. On the outside write "From Mom...I love you soooo much." Walk into an oblivious friends classroom. Announce that your friend forgot his lunch at home and his Mom wanted him to get it so he wouldn't go hungry. Make sure the whole class sees the lunch sack and what it says. Hillarity ensues.
9. After school drive your car really slow and low as possible past the part of the parking lot where the African-Americans park. Blast either some hard core gangsta rap or go to the other extreme and blast Celine Dion or the likes thereof. Celine Dion usually turns more heads and gets more laughs.
10. When drinking any thing in a container and there is a little left sacrifice the remaming liquid and pour it out while singing, "I tip my forty to your memory."

Testimonials
I went from Pin head to Prom King - Cameron Steele

I used to wear an eye patch for heaven's sake - Taylor Oblad

I was big boned but I am still loved - Cody Evans

I have fire red hair, skinny legs, and freckles for Pete's Dragon's sake - Jono

I have yellow skin and horrible allergy problems but the sistas love me - Matt H.

Game Instructions: A Poor Man's Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon

For those of you who would like to try a game that uses even less brain waves than Kevin Bacon try this at your next friendly get together.

AS MANY DEGREES AS YOU WANT OF PAT RILEY

Step 1: Have one player yell out any noun known to man
Step 2: The rest of the group begins word association using the word from step one
*Note* Word association may be done in any way possible including rhyming.
Step 3: Continue word association until you can somehow tie it to Pat Riley
Step 4: Once you get to Pat Riley the first person to say "Pat Riley? He's Here? You know him?" wins the game and must be carried on the shoulders of the other players to Vons to purchase four Honey Buns for $1.

Example - Someone starts out by yelling "Kenny Webster...Thick Glasses...Coke Bottles...McDonalds....Donald Duck...Bread Crumbs...Rats...Pat...Pat Riley? He's Here? You know him?" Everyone cheers!!!

Yo yo yo, yo-yo

Overrated perhaps, but they were most certainly a source of unintentional comedy and biannual joy. My cerebral holds no yearning, memories may be fond, pallets are painted plaid with a scent of too much cologne (by Mennen!). But my experience seems paled by comparison--this Jr. Varsity plaid outmatch by the all-too-pro shiny white shoes, purple cane and top hat, red Yankees hats. How could I compete with that? I was Alice, lost in Wonderland without my opium pipe and acid bombs.

Genuine and R. Kelly turned the dance floor into a 75 cent peep show. The haze seemed all too thick; lost in the rhythmic sea of pastel, florescent, and pheromone cocktails—intangible exits. I could not divert my stare; neither could any of you.

Pleased to enjoy: Homecoming and Prom—CHS style yo.

A Much Needed Eulogy: the "Tootise-Roll" 1993-1994

Today we gather to remember and lay to rest one of our long lost friends, the "Tootise-Roll". I remember when you were first born and we called you the "Butterfly", such wonderful times. You brought joy to many Cheyenne High School dances and other events. Your simplicity made it easy for un-coordinated white people such as Chris Driscoll to win dance competitions. Then your ultimate downfall came in the form of Oprah Winfrey. She did a show teaching older folks how to the dance like the youth. This one show killed you off and disiminated the "Bart Simpson". It was like the one plane ride that killed Buddy Holl, the Big Bopper, and Ritchie Valens ...just worse. How dare this woman use her sinister show to bring you down. The end was definitly in sight, but if that show had never aired you would have lasted at least until early 1995. She pulled the plug on a national phenomenea and brought tears to the eyes of Desert Shields all around.

Please remember the good times with this dance. Homecoming, prom, morp, sadie hawkins, and a second homecoming. Ahhhh what a wonderful second Sadie Hawkins it would have been had you been there. Instead we were forced to do the Macarena. The whore of all US dance crazes. May you rest in peace and forever be in our minds...for the last time...to the left, to the left; to the right, to the right; to the front, to the front; to the back, to the back; now slide baby, slide baby slide, baby slide; now dip baby dip c'mon just dip baby dip ALL THE WAY INTO OUR HEARTS AND INTO HEAVEN.

Important FDA announcment

April 30, 1997
It has come to the attention of the Federal Drug Administration that teens have begun to put Crisco Oil on their bodies when "laying out". After minutes and minutes of testing the studies have shown that this act may be fatal. The skin may asphyxiate and lead to brain damage or even death. However, a potential alternative to the oil during the "laying out" process is Crisco buttered flavored shortening. It may make you smell like a movie theatre but it does make it easier to dry off after taking a dip in the pool. The water simply beads up and is easily removed with a towel. Make a note that the shortening may clog pores which may make it difficult to win a Senior Suprilative such as best hair, eyes, or most likely to look at himself in a mirror. If you are a junior in high school stop now so next year you can win such suprilatives. Please be aware of these warnings and take the necessary precautions.

Capitan Lemmon-Pants
FDA Administrator

An Arbitrary List of 41 Lessons Learned in High School

1. Never loan James Bailey a dollar or give him a sip of your soda, neither will be returned, ever
2. Don’t go shopping with Taylor Oblad at Dillards unless you enjoy being frisked by large black cops
3. No matter how often Jono Bailey insists he is just friends with your girlfriend, follow your instinct
4. Tara Bingham’s fro will hold about 387 staples before she begins to notice, and 6’’ verticals are not something to brag about
5. Don’t tell large angry black men that you like their hat or that they look like D-Bone
6. Brian’s mom sunk the Titanic
7. If you are bored on a Saturday night, instigate a fight between Candice Stutz and Ryan Christiansen, that will probably provide at least 4 hours of entertainment, 8 hours if you drop hints throughout the week at Candice's pool
8. If you are Mormon and the black kids like you, there is a good chance you will be involved with a prom or homecoming court
9. Fran Bingham has the best stocked fridge and pantry this side of the Mississippi
10. Do your best not to upset Cody Evans…ever
11. John Oblad is Beck, don't take his BBQ pringles, and laser disks were a fine investment
12. The only thing funnier than driving through Taco Bell when Jono Baily is on headset duty is when Cam Steele wears a neck brace
13. Despite her Dachshund legs, Tiffany Zimmerman is quite nimble and fleet a foot - a mutant perhaps?
14. Girls from Bonanza High School like to wear hats; Kjersten Nelson feels that they do so both excessively and arrogantly
15. Yes, Chris Driscoll is probably as funny as all the black girls think he is
16. If JD Cornwall gives you advice on how to fix your truck, do the opposite
17. When the volleyball team celebrates a victory with wine coolers, you would probably guess it was the girls team—nope
18. Stacey Stucki glues things to her face, this is a frequent and often daily occurrence
19. Although small in stature, Steve Fatheringham can palm a basketball
20. Mr. Praetor has a tuff time remembering names, and Mr. Smith has a tuff time remembering his pants
21. I have never once used calculus in my day-to-day life, but those pots I made in ceramics—priceless
22. Student Government has nothing to do with governing, and everything to do with learning how to paint large signs on large rolls of paper while wearing matching hoodies
23. If you are asked to speak at seminary graduation, don’t concoct your own parables about leading donkeys over hills; this endeavor will only thrust mass confusion upon everyone in attendance
24. Pomegranates make the perfect midnight snack, but they also stain white shirts
25. 98% of the kids who wore active ankle’s whilst engage in a volleyball match, did not require them—Todd Hardy
26. Ryan Christiansen makes a mean glass of Tang, but his mom makes an even meaner chocolate cake
27. When Cameron Steele is missing from campus, he probably went home to drop the deuce and put ladies cream on his face...or adjust his neckbrace, ha ha ha
28. Ska was not the next great chapter in musical progression and Attaboy Skip probably won’t ever play on SNL
29. Loraine Bailey’s Impala can go 145mph on an open road, Scott Higginson's Maxima can not
30. Professional baseball player is probably not viable life ambition
31. Women who teach early morning seminary are Saints
32. Under gym lights in the church, I look like I may have a case of the jaundice
33. Although it is Demi Moore’s favorite meal, don’t order the Thai chicken salad at Planet Hollywood if you are allergic to peanuts, you may very well end up puking out the window driving down D Street
34. Just because you are playing dominos at lunch with the football players, doesn’t necessarily mean you know the rules of dominos
35. Brian Lanier’s house is a great place to score a chocolate muffin from Costco
36. Bottle rockets look way cooler at night and swiming at Brinley's pool at midnight is something you can actually get away with
37. Grocery cart derby is frowned upon by the fine folks at Vons, also no matter how fast you run around the store that nifty alien heart rate chair will never give you the reading “seek medical help immediately”
38. Plaid pants probably are not coming back in style and The Attic is open at 9am but the owner hangs out in his office downstairs
39. Angel Park does not appreciate it when you hit golf balls from the driving range towards the tee box
40. Your sword will not hurt the dragon at the end of the first level in The Legend of Zelda, you need bombs, they are available for purchase from an old mystical man if you go three rooms to the East
41. Hanka-S(h)anka-Chanka-Lanka-Banka is infallible

You’re Invited to a Thanksgiving Party...

When: Thanksgiving night 1997

Time: 6 o’clock p.m.
Where: The Bingham’s House. #### Deersprings Road Las Vegas, NV 89131

Make sure to bring your fun hats because this is going to be the bomb. The boys will be playing football outside while the girls will be inside doing nothing of any importance. Taylor Oblad will be there with his new huge perm and if we’re lucky his favorite pants will be ripped revealing his underwear to the whole party. Later, Cam might regale us with either More than Words, Crash, or Tears in Heaven.

Gobble Gobble you guys, this will be a fun way to kick off the

Christmas Season!!!

Three Sophomores Show Chey-Town how to “Stay Alive” by Jarod Stewart

Last night at the third anual Lip Sync the competition was fearce, but Tiffany Zimmerman, Karstein Nelson, and John Oblad showed the Desert Shields haw to break it on down to The Beegee’s “Stayin’ Alive”. Even with Tiffany in a cast she showed the 678 + people how to shake the booty. The three of them said, “We love dancing!!” after the show. John even speculated foregoing his last two years of high school to enter the 1995 “Dance Off” Broadway draft. The three of them got to split $50, but all of the money went to buying Camaron Steele some cover up for that huge zit on the tip of his nose. For those of you who missed it, the three of them will be ditty-ing it up at this Friday’s Homecoming Assembly. Make sure to where your Blue and Gold even though all of our school uniforms, except Football, are blue and yellow. Additionally, don’t forget to wear Kevlar if you will be carrying in or passing a firearm over the fence. Whoot whoot!!!

Neb Yeliab Cake

1 1/2 cups Sugar
1 cup Shortening -- soft
2 Eggs
2 3/4 cups Flour
2 teaspoons Cream of tartar
1 teaspoon Baking soda
1/2 teaspoon Salt
2 tablespoons Sugar
2 teaspoons Cinnamon
1 chocolate chip
1 1/2 tablespoons green sprinkles

Preheat oven to 375F. Mix 1 1/2 c. sugar, shortening and eggs. Stir in flour, cream of tartar, sprinkes, chocolate chip, and soda. Chill dough. Roll out into a cookie cookie sheet 1/4 inch thick. Combine 2 t. sugar and cinnamon. Sprinkle over the cake. Bake for 8-10 mins., cool completely before eating. When cutting the cake, there should be no lines parallel or perpendicular to the cookie sheet's edges. Have fun with the cutting and the eating. Whomever gets the chocolate chip wins the game.

Crtique This: a movie review of the greatest story there ever was

Only the Strong is a tale which has been excesively told in American cinema. A substitute teacher is given an assignment in the inner city. Even though the students are troubled youth, they are very bright and simply misunderstood by the world. The students have been written off their entire lives, and no one has ever given these teenagers the opportunity to shine. The substuitute then finds something to solidify their relationship and gain the trust of the students..Capoeira. This Brasilian martial art is the kick in the pants these children need to get off drugs, stop having pre-marital relations, understand calculus, and subsequently going to college.

Capoeira was modled, and some martial experts suggest stolen, after an acient Irish martial art called Tayjonga. Tayjonga is mostly doing the running-man to catch the other of guard. When the other is distracted you head butt them until they fall. Once they are down you continually kick them.

The best scene of the movie is when the Mexican villan is playing basketball in silver tipped leather boots and black Wrangler jeans. However, I do not suggest sitting through this 125 minute movie for that scene.

This movie was better the first time when it was called "Stand and Deliver". I give it a half star.

Eating Healty < Eating Yummy: As an Italian Sonnet

‘O Bell of Tac, how I adore your hot sauce,
Meat, lettuce, and tortilla, all topped with cheese,
Fil’st up my soul with sierra mist please,
I loathe Dell Taco I'd rather eat a salad tossed.

Subway or Subs o’ Port, my heart is twixt you lost,
Port’s is mixed while Way’s is yellow as bees,
My buds of taste float to the tops o’ the trees,
I make my decision based upon the cost.

Brown bag it for those who dare brave the jokes,
Sandwiches of turkey mayo and such,
Bags of cookies and chips is too much.

Throwing scraps of bread and empty bottles of cokes,
Leaving orange peels in the back of Cam's truck bed,
"Clean that mess you will", Prince Pat of Hayden said.

Lime's Disease

Matt was a guy who sure could dance,
D wore a hat as green as plants,
Matt popped off his mouth,
Never made it to his house,
He was hit so hard he peed his pants

A friend of ours…Fran was her mom,
A guy named Jono took her to the prom, (or homecoming)
She had hair like curly fries
and squinty brown eyes,
Her blue jacket read Lil’ Bomb

Haiku?

Shoot-out at the Game
Go to Matt’s to play Zelda
I tried that, look, “Uhhh.”

Albertson’s Party
Many drunks dancing like fools
I’m glad I don’t drink

Cam got a new truck
He cannot drive a stick shift
He leaves it at home

Christmas at Matt’s house
A heated match of ping pong
Bone and Mariah?

Jono had a tail
Skinny legs and bright red hair
His dad had a ‘stache

Ryan loved Fruit Pebs
Break-in and the box was gone
Tears come down his face

Pipe smoking is rank
Don’t play Moonlight Sonata
Prof. Smith had weird thumbs

Marky Mark's Loose Fitting, yet supportive, Influence Gone Awry: An Overly Dramatic Tale of Two High School Chums

The sun had not yet risen over the plum colored mountains on an unseasonably bitter cold April morning. Three blanket-laden young men huddled close to one another trying to warm their respective shivering bodies. A low booming bass from The Beastie Boys’ Sabotage could be felt by any post-pubescent student within fifty yards of the white Ford LTD. Like marionettes, each young men bobbed their head to the (then) instant-classic tune. “But make no mistakes and switch up my channel, I'm Buddy Rich when I fly off the handle.” A dawdling amplification of sunlight began to thaw the ice which had penetrated the bones of the long time friends. Song after song and CD after CD played through the stereo in an attempt to numb their senses of what lie ahead. The music selection was as diverse as the student body melting pot. Reel Big Fish, Rage Against the Machine, Billy Joel, Mariah Carey, R.E.M., Tupac, Bon Jovi, Blink…The songs continued to roll on as if a schizophrenic DJ was making a suicidal cry for help to her listeners. Then a high pitched Ping…Ping...Ping. 3,000 students simultaneously herded into the school. To the three young friends it resembled a pack of wildebeests fleeing from a preying pack of lions, each scared of being left behind; chewed up and spit back out to the on looking scavengers ready to take advantage of the young meat.

6:50 a.m. is too early to ask any high school student to even be awake, let alone force them to sit through Mrs. K’s speech impediment and having to evade spit as she spoke of Freud and his fascinations with uncomfortable couches. With a drawn out day of faking an interest in their education and note taking imminently ahead of them, two of the pack decided to jump ship. The two freemen entered one of the boy’s cars. It was actually a used white construction work truck; however, no one could tell because of the build-up of filth which had originated from the Las Vegas desert floor. The words clean me were etched into the passenger-side door. The message called out to the truck’s owner like a kitten’s meow for a mother’s hygienic lick after the youngling has fallen into a bowl of milk. The driver had not heeded the message, nor did he have plans to. Once inside the truck the smell of burritos, sweat, and cement emanated from the glacial vinyl seats. Off they went into the muted sunrise. “Suckas,” they thought to themselves.

The young men were looking forward to the day. After all, they lived in Las Vegas. Las Vegas is known to many as a city which never sleeps. Those brilliant marketers have sold the world snake oil. It should read, “Las Vegas: The city that actually does sleep, you just don’t notice it because you are either slaving at work, broke, stuck in traffic, or hung over.” The streets were frighteningly empty. The boys incessantly looked for a mushroom cloud in the sky. The only explanation for such a desertion was a bomb explosion which had devastated all mankind. However, with each tick of the clock one more person seemed to appear as if there was a jail break, just more chaotic. Bored as hermits without wood to whittle, the young men were compelled to make nonsensical conversation until the city’s resuscitation was complete. The discussion in the truck’s cab was as unconventional as the back roads route which the young driver took to waste time. The boys decided right turn upon much thought, conversation, and contemplation, left turn to remove the right turn man from a bowling stop light……………………..it’s green trophy, drill a whole in the sullied truck’s hood left turn, and make a hood u-turn ornament out of it. It never came to fruition, however, to this day, each has ambitions to do so.

The cold morning had morphed into a beautiful day and each young man chuckled at the thought of their friends stuck in class. Oh, those poor fools who had been lured by Pleasure Island’s amenities only to be sold to the salt mines of hard work and bondage. The dichotomy between the plights of each group seemed unfair…yet the young men were not swayed by such injustice. The sun was warm, the slurpees were sweet, and the mall had just opened. The endless rows of perfectly lined cars in the parking lot at the mall looked like Arlington Cemetery on Memorial Day. Each hollow lifeless carcass equally distanced from the one beside it. As the young men exited the car and walked toward the entrance they noted the sun had never seemed brighter. Each boy pulled a pair of sunglasses out of their own pocket and placed them on their face. The heavily tinted automatic doors spread open informing shoppers not to worry about their lives, and then closed automatically behind them cackling until they are completely taken captive. Inside the massive cement box are stores and stores of over-priced goods and consumers willing to be taken advantage of by a piece of plastic. The dimmed fluorescent lights seem to hypnotize the weak until they have lost their free will. Luckily neither of the boys had enough money to make any purchases that day.

A man’s underwear has been important to them since they were able to pull them up themselves. Begging their Mom or Dad to buy their favorite superhero hoping that Superman would spin the earth backwards in the event they wet the bed. This day one of the young men’s superhero was evidently Marky Mark. He was easily admired. An untalented singer turned rap artist who got a shot at the business because his older brother was an untalented singer turned rap artist. Marky Mark was not only a musical magician, but he also signed off on the boxer briefs; a piece of underwear which also explains the deep male perspective. The need to be held close, but not too close and let loose at times, but not too loose. The young man took out his wallet praying to the heavens that money had magically appeared. He desired to buy these boxer briefs so he could have the confidence of Mr. Good Vibrations himself. The young man squinted his eyes and his shoulders shot up from a deep breath of hope. The leather creaked as it opened. The boy’s shoulders went limp and back the wallet went into his empty pants pocket, but it was not alone. Two pairs of boxer briefs accompanied the empty wallet. Detached from reality, the oblivious and law-abiding youngster was completely unaware of the other’s thievery. Nonetheless the two unsuspecting boys became the hunted. Two dark suits were waiting at the entrance. The little light that was left had dissipated and braving calculus didn’t seem so bad at that moment. “Come with us,” the dark suit muttered.