Top 53 Teen Secrets and Tips for the Boys By: Kevin Trudeau

1. No matter how hard you try, putting your finger in your nose and running into a door at full speed will never cure anything. (Putting your finger in your nose, placing yourself underneath a door handel, and standing up only to hit your head is worse.)
2. When spending some time with your girlfriend and/or friends past your curfew tell your Dad you were watching "The Fugitive". All Dad's love that movie.
3. If you burn carmel corn in the oven give it to a Pomeranian...they love that stuff.
4. If your parents built your house on the mecca of ants and Raid is unavailaible use Stain Remover to kill the ants.
5. Never toilet paper your own house and blame it on your enemies. Especially when your enemy is 10 years old and they live 6 miles away; that is a dead give away to your parents.
6. The best way to wake up is to a friend's Dad screaming "Rise and Shout, the cougs are out" . Go big blue.
7. When lighting off illegal bottle rockets do it in a place where there are readily available hiding spots.
8. An elementary school basketball court does not have readily available hiding spots.
9. If you are bored and find yourself with a stranger's personal black notebook you found in the bushes, make up a game like how many flips you can make it do in the air. A subjective scoring system is a must.
10. A mormon boy is seen as a loser if he cannot ask his date to a school sponsored dance in a creative way. Be creative and never use the same way twice.
11. Do not put up "Missing signs" for your girlfriend to ask her to a dance when she has not been at school for a week and a half with mono. You may have to get on the intercom and explain yourself.
12. If you are replacing your own brake pads, bleed them before backing out of the garage otherwise you will pull a "Tommy Boy" and tear your door off.
13. Never wear a toe ring, gray hiking socks with birkenstock sandles, or a medallion no matter how cool your older brother says they are or no matter which brand the socks are.
14. Girls love long curly eyelashes. Use an eye lash curler to get chicks to dig your eyes.
15. The females love nice cars no matter what they say. T top camaro's went out with the death of Knight Rider. They are not classified as cool.
16. Face makeup may be used sparingly to hide zits but do not, under any circumstances, put it on before you go to bed just in case someone comes over.
17. When at a church dance try to steer away from the usual questions like What is your name? Which stake are you in? Which High School do you go to? Do you play any sports? Try something odd like What is your favorite jell-o flavor?
18. Never ask a girl to slow dance to "Black Hole Sun". Yes it has a slow tempo but it just seems weird.
19. No matter how many mormons tell you the song "Come baby come (swing batta swing)" is cool, it just isn't.
20. When running for a school government position "I snort pixie sticks" is not a good slogan.
21. Senior pranks should only be done if to bring down the man for 4 years of anguish i.e., Stealing Ed Hartwell's 8x10 glossy from a Vice Principal's office. Which oddly enough feels a lot like breaking into the CIA and downloading files from the head's computer.
22. If, at a church dance, you are tempted to sing the song into the girls ear...punch yourself in the crotch to stop yourself.
23. When on a campout and your leader leaves for a second, do not steal his kudo's bars and eat them unless you know he is not watching you from the bushes.
24. If you have gas and you are on a date, let them fly but only if there is a cat nearby or your dates older brother is around to blame.
25. When your Dad says he'll rent a cool car, like a Cadillac, for Prom or you can rent an 18 person limo...Go with the Limo!!! Especially if the driver looks exactly like David Letterman and the limo was used to drive Bono the week before.
26. If you want your date to be ready by 6 say you will pick her up at 3:45.
27. An undeground ska concert in the middle of nowhere is not the place to take a girl you are trying to impress. Her Dad will probably not like you for a stunt like that.
28. Do not swim in the pool wearing only boxers if the front is "slit-style". Embarrassment and Laughter are a given to ensue.
29. If your parents give you the go ahead for a New Year's Party do not make flyers and put them around Cheyenne High School. People from all around the valley will show up.
30. If you do not heed my warning in number 29, make sure there are plenty of chicken wings and lil' smokies available to eat. Otherwise a riot will break out.
31. A washing machine makes for an excellent cooler for a party.
32. No matter how funny it may seem at the time DO NOT take pictures wearing a girls bathing suit with another's camera as a joke. They will inevitably keep them and give them to your wife at her bridal shower.
33. Do not take church basketball so seriously...girls are not that impressed if you beat Wildwood ward by 34 points.
34. If you do not have a lot of money, or you are an odd soul, use vegetables to make a crasoge. Your date might not enjoy it, but who cares she will probably end up dating a BMX freestyle jumper anyway.
35. No matter how many guys wear it to a church dance, always go in tan colored jeans, a denim shirt, and a skinny silk tie with a flower print. NEVER wear a bolo tie!!!! It may be unique but....no explanation needed.
36. The way into a girls heart is country swing dancing.
37. Chicks dig Grease....learn all the lines, songs, and dances.
38. If you are in 8th grade and a friend invites you over to sing and dance around the house while listening to Celine Dion or Whitney Houston in preparation for TGIF, tell him you are busy pooping your pants.
39. Missing 5 days of classes in a row is never a good idea. Unless someone has a van with a tiny as butt TV and a VCR inside.
40. If you are watching TV instead of going to class remember to start the car between each class so the battery does not run out by the end of the day.
41. Columbia House + 14 years old + $.01 + much boilerplate language = Horrible Idea
42.No matter how much you dig a song, do NOT sing it aloud if the words are "I'm your lady, and you are my man".
43. A good way to get a girl to shut up and sit down at the drive-in is to whip her in the back with red rope licorice.
44. Start some kind of off-the-wall collection to break the ice with while on a first date i.e., menus, street signs, a jar with urine and a fart sealed inside for all eternity.
45. If an older brother wants you to vacuum the bedroom tell him no. If he comes after you to make you do it, go limp and force him to pick your lifeless body up, hold your hand to the handle, and together vacuum the floor. The older brother moron doesn't realize it would be easier to do it himself.
46. If a Vietnam Vet/Police Officer begins to tell a story, plop yourself down and get ready for the time of your life.
47. Never open the door for a girlfriend to fill your car with styrofoam peanuts. You will never get them all out, and if the car is your Mom's she won't appretiate it that much.
48. If you find yourself in possession of some girl's "Notebook" or some other sort of gossip vehicle do not read it. Most likely you will read something about yourself, get really mad, and say some things you will regret...at the time (it is funny now). It's better to live in ignorance with regards to a female's gossip.
49. In order to get the upper hand in the annual water balloon fight between the Mormons and the...baseball/wannabes, construct a huge steel water ballon catapult at JD Cornwall's house. It is bound to work, plus it is much easier, faster, and more accurate to work the catapult than to do that whole throwing motion.
50. The best way to make your friends laugh is to load them up in a 1986 Toyata mini van/death trap and drive around the seminary building at top speeds pretending the car has an endless amount of gears.
51. A tanning bed receptionist is NEVER a respectable job for a 16-18 year old male. (16 to 13455 for that matter)
52. If you and another of one of your friends decide to go on a cussing spree warn the others around you to cushion the suprise. Otherwise their mouths will drop to the ground when you start incessantly dropping bombs for no reason in particular.
53. If you want a larger house follow these steps: Play U2 with your brothers by placing a Star Wars bedsheet over a lamp (this will create the lighing scheme of a rock concert), leave the sheet there, the sheet will catch fire and burn down half of your house, have this story told (including the language "playing rock star" and "Star Wars sheet") on the local nighly news, and finally rebuild the house to a larger size. Voila your wish has been granted.